The ONE movie I would NOT want to wake up in!

This movie is about a struggling family (Dad, Sister & brother, as well as their nanny) dealing with the aftermath of losing everything, including their mother, in a house fire. They get a mysterious visit from a lawyer, claiming that the father’s uncle, who he had absolutely no relationship with, left him a house in his will, upon his death. Having only a tiny apartment now, and not much money, this seems like it could be just what the family needs to get back on their feet… So, they go on a trip to see the home. Of course, it’s gorgeous! Like nothing they’ve ever seen before, a home completely made from glass, filled with collectibles and artifacts that could probably pay off any old debt they had while keeping the family thriving for a very long time… Here’s about the time when I’d like to add- WHEN THINGS SEEM TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, THEY USUALLY ARE! It’s no surprise that this family gets the shock of their lives when come to find out, their crazy uncle had been capturing ghosts and keeping them locked in the basement, all to complete a design that was “created by the devil and powered by the dead” to open the “EYE” of Hell. Creepy! Things go from bad to worse when they discover who the 13th ghost needs to be!


[I felt it would be helpful to get a background of EACH ghost- so here is some information straight from helpful Wiki]*-


1. The First Born Son – The First Born Son is the ghost of Billy Michaels, a boy who loved cowboy films. A neighbor challenged him to a duel, using a bow and a real steel-tipped arrow against Billy’s toy gun. Billy died when the neighbor shot the arrow through the back of his head. Billy’s ghost is dressed in his cowboy suit and holding a tomahawk, with the arrow still protruding from his head. His ghost whispers “I want to play” or “play with me”.

I would NOT share my Legos with that kid!

13 GHOSTS, 2001

2. The Torso – The Torso is the ghost of a bookie named Jimmy “The Gambler” Gambino. When Jimmy found himself unable to pay off a Mafia-connected client’s large winning bet on a boxing match, the client cut him into pieces, wrapping them in cellophane and dumping them into the ocean. His ghost appears as his decapitated, legless torso, trying to walk around on its hands as the head lies screaming on the floor.

Can I take one of him, to go, please? LOL.


3. The Bound Woman – The Bound Woman is the ghost of Susan LeGrow, a girl with a wealthy background and a penchant for playing with boys’ affections. On the night of her high school prom, a football player she was dating caught her with another boy; the next morning, the boy was found dead and Susan went missing. She was later found buried at the 50-yard line of the school’s football field, strangled to death; the player was convicted of her murder and executed. Her ghost is wearing her prom dress and is hanging from the ceiling with her arms tied.



4. The Withered Lover – The Withered Lover is Jean Kriticos, Arthur’s wife. She was burned severely while saving her family from a devastating house fire, and died of her injuries in the hospital. Her ghost initially appears in a hospital gown, hooked up to an IV pole and showing severe burns on her face. However, after the destruction of the machine, her ghost is wearing her normal clothes and her burns have vanished. Unlike the other ghosts, she is not a vengeful spirit and tries to help her family.

Burnt toast, anybody?


5.The Torn Prince – The Torn Prince is the ghost of Royce Clayton, a 1950s high school baseball star with a bad attitude and a superiority complex. During a drag race, he died when his car spun out of control. His ghost carries a baseball bat, and parts of his face and body are torn to shreds from being dragged underneath his car. He uses the bat as a melee weapon, and while inside his containment cube, he sits atop the wreckage of the car.

Spoiled rich boys, always thinkin’ they’re better than everyone else!


6 The Angry Princess – The Angry Princess is the ghost of Dana Newman, a young woman with striking physical beauty but the inability to recognize it. Driven to depression by a string of abusive boyfriends, she began to work for a plastic surgeon who paid her in cosmetic procedures. One night, she tried to perform surgery on herself, but the attempt left her blind in one eye. She committed suicide in the bathtub by cutting herself with a butcher knife until she bled to death. Her ghost is naked, still holding the knife and showing all the self-inflicted wounds, and her cube is drenched in blood.

I would totally be this chick in real life, lol. She’s fierce, and not going to lie, her boobs are way better than mine!


7 The Pilgrimess – The Pilgrimess is the ghost of Isabella Smith, a 17th-century New England colonist who was shunned by other settlers. Accused of witchcraft by the town preacher after livestock began to die from an unknown ailment, she fell under further suspicion when the preacher himself succumbed. The townspeople trapped Isabella in a barn and set it on fire, but she emerged without any injuries; they then locked her in the pillory and left her to starve to death. Her ghost still has the pillory’s yoke locked around its hands and neck.

Ohhh, whooo, witchy woman!

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8 and 9. The Great Child and The Dire Mother – The Dire Mother is the ghost of Margaret Shelburn, a woman whose diminutive height constantly attracted stares from others. She joined a carnival freak show, but was raped by one of the other members and gave birth to a son, Harold (The Great Child). Margaret spoiled Harold throughout his life, so that he always wore diapers and had to be spoon-fed even as he grew to a vast size and weight. Carnival workers kidnapped Margaret as a prank, but she suffocated to death by the time Harold found her. He flew into a rage and killed the culprits with an axe, putting their remains on public display, and was in turn killed by an angry mob. Their ghosts are always together, with Harold wearing a food/vomit-splattered bib and carrying the axe, while Margaret sometimes feeds him.

This family has some serious issues.


10. The Hammer – The Hammer is the ghost of George Markley, a blacksmith who lived in a small town in the 1890s. He was wrongfully accused of stealing, and refused to leave town when threatened with exile. A gang led by his accuser hanged his wife and children; in revenge, George used his blacksmith’s hammer to beat his accuser and the other culprits to death. The townsfolk executed George by chaining him to a tree, driving railroad spikes into his body, severing one hand, and attaching the hammer to it. His ghost is still pierced with the spikes and wrapped in the chains, and he wears the hammer in place of his missing left hand.

What a creepy mother fucker!


11. The Jackal – The Jackal is the ghost of a 19th-century man named Ryan Kuhn, who began attacking prostitutes as an adult. He committed himself to an asylum in search of help but eventually went insane. The doctors kept him permanently bound in a straitjacket, causing his limbs to contort horribly until he gnawed through it. Ryan was then confined to a basement cell, with a metal cage locked around his head, and grew to hate all human contact. When a fire broke out, everyone but Ryan escaped; he chose to remain behind and let himself be burned to death. His ghost wears the loosened straitjacket and head cage, whose front bars have been snapped apart.

I would try to choke & suffocate myself with my own tongue before ever having to be in the presence of this fucked up psycho!


12. The Juggernaut – The Juggernaut is the ghost of Horace “Breaker” Mahoney, a serial killer of enormous height and grotesque appearance. Abandoned as a child by his mother and ostracized by everyone, he eventually got a job crushing cars in his father’s junkyard. After his father died, Horace went insane and began bringing hitchhikers and stranded drivers to the junkyard, breaking all their bones and tearing them apart with his bare hands. One of his potential victims was an undercover police officer, who called for backup and brought a SWAT team to surround the junkyard. Horace killed three officers before being shot to death by the team. His ghost still wears the bullet-riddled clothing from the night he was killed. Dennis Rafkin and Cyrus Kriticos note that Horace killed nine people while he was alive, then 31 more as a ghost; Horace kills several of Cyrus’ assistants in the attempt to capture him, then later kills Dennis as well.

Do you smell blood & gasoline? Perhaps kisses & kerosene?


13 The Broken Heart – The thirteenth ghost would have been Arthur Kriticos himself. Cyrus planned for him to sacrifice himself out of love for his family, the final step needed to activate the house’s machine.

Papa’ don’t freak, YOU’RE in trouble deep!


So, which ghost scares me the most? It would definitely have to go to this badass… Ghost #11- The Jackal! Is it the makeup, that haunting stare, that friggen CAGED HEAD?! It’s probably a mix of all three… and I can’t forget to mention that the actor completely portrayed this character as one fucked up dude! His movements, the violence in just his body language alone, sends chills down my spine- and not the good kind!

If I had to imagine waking up in Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street… or even Evil Dead, I feel like I could handle that better than waking up in this hellhole. It’s one thing to have to fight off one villain, but to have to defeat a gang of pissed off imprisoned ghosts?? HARD PASS. Not to mention that you can only SEE them while wearing your safety glasses, which considering my luck, would probably fall off and break within the first 5 minutes.

Overall, this movie is GREAT. I feel like it’s completely underrated & even overlooked. It has all the great things I love about horror movies- the mystery, the plot you can’t quite figure out, the jump scares and even the gore! There’s a little something for everyone. My only issue with this is that I, under no circumstances, can watch this movie alone, and I most definitely can’t sleep a solid 8 hours after viewing, either.

So what are you waiting for? Go buy this, grab a friend, and scare the shit out of yourselves…

Major life lesson to keep in mind, though? Don’t accept gifts from people you don’t truly know- especially houses.

*WIKI page credit for the description of all the ghosts.


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